reflections
I can't think today. I tried taking a break to put something lighthearted on my blog, but it didn't help. So maybe I need to get some things off my chest about this weekend.
But I don't know what to say.
My heart hurts. My brain won't stop running, trying to figure out why Trevor took his life.
And what could I have done? How could I have been a better friend? What if I would have replied to that forward he sent me 3 weeks ago? What if Kevin and I had invited him over for dinner?
Everyone keeps saying, "You know, it's not your fault, and you need to remind yourself that." Well, I do know that. But the feelings of guilt, shame and sadness are natural. And real. And just because I know they're expected emotions doesn't mean I can just toss them away. So I don't know how long I'll feel this way. But thank you for praying for me. And thank you for comforting me.
Trevor was...Trevor. You just had to know him. He loved photography - he even began selling his photos online, and also in the form of greeting cards. A lot of people teased him because he had a genuine spinning card display rack in his apartment. But at least he was doing something with his dreams. I tried to support him by buying cards from him. I even received a few of them from other friends. I still have them in a box somewhere, and I'll make sure I never throw them away. See some of Trevor's photos
And Trevor absolutely loved The Simpsons. Sometimes I never knew what to say to Trevor. He was so quiet. But we could talk about The Simpsons. And he would smile and laugh and everything would seem ok for a while.
I'll never know why Trevor lost hope in life. He had some of the best brothers in Christ who helped him along. He knew the Lord. He knew scripture backwards and forwards. But he couldn't shake the painful depression that held his mind captive.
I am sad and bitter that he's gone. But I'm holding on to one comfort. As long as I'd known him, Trevor had experienced terrible emotional pain. Depression had such a hold on him. But now he's with the Lord. Now he's free. "3And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.' 5He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!'" Revelation 21:3-5
Now my friend is in the arms of our Savior, and he doesn't have to hurt anymore. But I miss him. I ache. And I wish it hadn't happened this way. It wasn't right for him to take his own life. So maybe that's why I don't know how to feel. A foggy numbness has settled in my bones.
I can't think today. I tried taking a break to put something lighthearted on my blog, but it didn't help. So maybe I need to get some things off my chest about this weekend.
But I don't know what to say.
My heart hurts. My brain won't stop running, trying to figure out why Trevor took his life.
And what could I have done? How could I have been a better friend? What if I would have replied to that forward he sent me 3 weeks ago? What if Kevin and I had invited him over for dinner?
Everyone keeps saying, "You know, it's not your fault, and you need to remind yourself that." Well, I do know that. But the feelings of guilt, shame and sadness are natural. And real. And just because I know they're expected emotions doesn't mean I can just toss them away. So I don't know how long I'll feel this way. But thank you for praying for me. And thank you for comforting me.
Trevor was...Trevor. You just had to know him. He loved photography - he even began selling his photos online, and also in the form of greeting cards. A lot of people teased him because he had a genuine spinning card display rack in his apartment. But at least he was doing something with his dreams. I tried to support him by buying cards from him. I even received a few of them from other friends. I still have them in a box somewhere, and I'll make sure I never throw them away. See some of Trevor's photos
And Trevor absolutely loved The Simpsons. Sometimes I never knew what to say to Trevor. He was so quiet. But we could talk about The Simpsons. And he would smile and laugh and everything would seem ok for a while.
I'll never know why Trevor lost hope in life. He had some of the best brothers in Christ who helped him along. He knew the Lord. He knew scripture backwards and forwards. But he couldn't shake the painful depression that held his mind captive.
I am sad and bitter that he's gone. But I'm holding on to one comfort. As long as I'd known him, Trevor had experienced terrible emotional pain. Depression had such a hold on him. But now he's with the Lord. Now he's free. "3And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.' 5He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!'" Revelation 21:3-5
Now my friend is in the arms of our Savior, and he doesn't have to hurt anymore. But I miss him. I ache. And I wish it hadn't happened this way. It wasn't right for him to take his own life. So maybe that's why I don't know how to feel. A foggy numbness has settled in my bones.
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